Note: Due to the sensitive subject matter being discussed, the names of the people involved have been changed to protect their identity.
My Story of Being a Battered Sheep
by Mary McAllister
I was a Christian for about 3-5 years (a relatively short time) 10-12 years ago and knew just a little of the Scriptures. I became involved in an organization that was "non-denominational" but held to extremely radical views. While I like to be radical as well, I also like to be reasonable and keep both my feet on the ground, so to speak. I don't like hearing people tell me that medicine, disability, and the likes are bad--especially as I believe that God put them there for people.
This church wanted me to volunteer my time when I was off work (I worked in a mine site one week in and was out for one week), so I suppose they thought that I had a lot of time off. They didn't really allow me to have a life of my own. So I volunteered a lot and attended this church faithfully for a year or so.
Then I started noticing that only certain people were allowed to "minister" and it was the ones who "submitted." If you submitted to their doctrines, then you received extra privileges. Examples: You were given money if you were financially stressed. Also, if you submitted, you were allowed to give your testimony, allowed to sing, etc. But if you didn't submit, sermons would be repeated service after service denouncing specific acts of rebellion and lack of submission to particular doctrines. In other words, you knew that they were pointing their fingers right at you.
I allowed this to go on until one day, the son of Pastor Ray started intimidating me. When I stood up to him, he made it appear like he was about to punch me in the face with his fist (jokingly of course, but with a menacing look on his face). This intimidation had been going on all along, but I had only started noticing it. I then started praying for God to reveal what this church was all about because at this time, I was always experiencing this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and spirit.
I then had a dream about the assistant pastor (let's call him Peter) that night. Peter was handsome, debonair, and seemed so upright in the eyes of the congregation. Peter was about my age and I knew that he liked me and I thought that there could possibly be a relationship between us if I adhered to certain doctrines. This dream entailed Peter trying to make me do disgusting sexual activities with him. In the dream, Peter's male organ became grossly distorted and diseased. He then began rolling on the floor (after I refused to engage in these sexual activities with him) and appeared to be in some sort of weird orgasmic ecstasy both from the pain of his disease and his own self-enjoyment. I woke up with my heart beating like crazy. After this dream, I started seeing other things that were not quite right in accordance with the Word of God.
In the meantime, a woman (let's call her June) started exposing the things this church was doing and how they were treating her. She started talking about the activities that I myself had seen and witnessed, and I believed that she was telling the truth.
One day, I received a call from one of the "prominent women" (let's call her Debby) who was also submitting to these doctrines, and she stated that June was crazy and warned me not to believe a word that June was saying. Debby said that June was spreading malicious rumors about the church that were not true. She told me to have nothing to do with June and then started telling me all the gossip about June regarding her previous and current adulterous activities and how June's marriage had ended, etc.
I told Debby that I didn't want to hear bad stuff about other people, especially since God had forgiven each and every one of us. Debby then told me to not watch other Christian T.V. shows or to attend other services as I would become confused by other teachings. Debby said that we ought to fully "submit" to our pastor and everything he says, regardless if it is against what we believe as we are prone to deception, while the pastor is enlightened from God. I hung up the phone and started shaking.
Afterwards, I set up a meeting with June and we spoke for hours and hours. Everything that she had seen and witnessed, I also had seen and witnessed. Just at that moment, one of the head pastors (let's call him Ed) saw June and me sitting in the restaurant talking.
The next Sunday, I attended their church for the last time and the preaching was once again on related topics. (Example: rebellion, gossiping about the church, how bad company can corrupt good morals, and so on.) This time Pastor Ray was looking right at me when he was preaching. He then did a prayer call for all those who wanted to repent. So I went up and repented. Don't ask me why I did--but I suppose I felt that maybe, just maybe, I was in the wrong as I felt so badly about "talking" about the church when they had done so much for me. (Did they?) Later, I started noticing again that Peter (assistant Pastor) was always flirting and making eyes with the married women of the congregation, and these women were actually going along with it, but he would not even look at me or behave courteously towards me.
I then made the biggest mistake of my life at this point: I married a man who was a friend of Pastor Ray. Shortly after the wedding (which was performed by Pastor Ray), I left the church to move in with my new husband to his home in another town.
Not long after we were married, my husband started abusing me, hitting me, calling me names, and swearing at me. My husband (let's call him Brian) started telling me that Jesus couldn't possibly love someone as grossly unlovable as me and that even Pastor Ray agreed that he had problems with me. So I endured this marriage of abuse for two years.
After one particular horrific episode of assault and abuse, I escaped Brian and returned to the church and told them the story of my abuse. I asked them for guidance and prayer for myself and my marriage. I then found out at this time that Brian had also abused his previous wife and children, and that Pastor Ray had known all about this but had never said a word to me.
I also discovered that Brian had been in prison for killing a foster child who was in his care. This happened while Brian was still active in the ministry. In fact, Brian had spent 5 years in prison for this murder. Pastor Ray knew all about this and thought it was best not to reveal it to me.
My husband Brian was a gifted singer, musician, carpenter, and businessman. He donated many of his services to Pastor Ray such as dry walling, carpeting, painting, construction, etc. So I suppose there was a mutual relationship between the two as Pastor Ray allowed Brian to minister in his church whenever he so desired. During my husband's ministries in the church, he would often flirt with other women right in front of me (especially married women) and totally ignore me. Pastor Ray witnessed all this, so there was really no excuse to be given on behalf of Pastor Ray--he should have disciplined Brian or at least exhorted him not to flirt any more.
When I went to Pastor Ray about the abuse, I was told that I was not submitting since I had a previous record of this type of non-conformity to the church. Pastor Ray said that I was manipulative, rebellious, controlling, and unforgiving. He sent me back to my husband to learn to submit and become the wife that God intended me to become. As I was in such bondage at this time, I went back to my husband and was abused even more than ever--to such extremes that I do not even want to mention.
This was when I tried to take my own life. One night when I was alone and could not bear it any longer, I took a razor to my wrist. I knew just how to make the cut so that it would not stop (I did a little research) and I had decided to do it in a bathtub full of water so that the cut would not clot. As I took the razor in my hand I heard a loud voice say, "Stop! Do not even entertain such an idea. Even mere entertainment is extremely dangerous. Put that razor down and open up my Word to Isaiah 54."
I was so stunned. Is this God, and does he actually speak to his people? Am I one of his people? These were a few of the thoughts that were racing through my mind. So I went and read Isaiah 54, and verses 6-8 literally jumped out at me:
"For the Lord has called you back from your grief--as though you were a young wife abandoned by her husband, says your God. For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with great compassion I will take you back. In a moment of anger I turned my face away for a little while. But with everlasting love I will have compassion on you, says the Lord, your redeemer."
I put the razor down and I heard the voice say further, "I have heard your cries. In a few days, you will see a miracle to your situation." I thought this meant that God was going to change my husband so that I didn't have to leave him and be guilty of divorce.
Two days later, I was badly beaten by my husband once more and this time, I actually called the police. I then decided to leave Brian, and when I left, I only had two garbage bags full of clothes and $50 in my pocket--nothing else. I had previously been fairly well off as I had been working all my life and had held a great job. Since the marriage, I had been forced to quit my job, leaving me with nothing to my name and this was the way I left. I called Pastor Ray once I reached my home town again and confronted him. I asked why he would support an abuser. Once again I was accused of being such things as a "creator of dissension" and I was asked to never phone him again.
I later found out that Peter (the assistant pastor) had an affair with one of the married woman and was sent out of the church by Pastor Ray. I then realized that this was the meaning of the dream I had about Peter earlier--that he had a lustful spirit. I later found out that Pastor Ray had also been accused of having an affair during his ministry. I also found out that my husband was guilty of having numerous affairs while he was with his previous wife.
I had seen with my spiritual eyes (and common-sense) that birds of a feather flock together. When I tried to explain all this to Debby (the favorite of the church because she submitted) she looked at me with hatred. After leaving my husband, I was treated like vermin by all the church members and none of them were allowed to have anything to do with me. In addition to going through a very bad divorce (and it was a nasty one), and attending counseling (as I was in a mess at this point in my life), I was labeled the "sinner" because I had been the one to leave my husband. This was the time that I actually started publicly exposing this church (and all its members) with every opportunity I had.
I quit attending any church at this time as I didn't trust any person who called themselves a Christian. I harbored unforgiveness in my heart and there were times that I actually believed I was in the wrong. I continued praying to God through all this, however, and I always felt God's presence with me. So if I was such a sinner and so blinded by my own "rebellion", why was God's presence so real?
That was when I read two books that turned my life around, Why Do Christians Shoot Their Wounded?: Helping (Not Hurting) Those With Emotional Difficulties and Battered into Submission: The Tragedy of Wife Abuse in the Christian Home. I learned that God doesn't beat, control, manipulate, or force his ways down our throat--God does it lovingly in that he allows you to find the answer for yourself (if, indeed, you are searching for the truth). If you search for the truth, you will find the truth, and the truth will set you free.
It was this truth that set me free years later as I allowed God to minister to my soul and spirit. There are still some days that I hurt, especially when I think of everything that was done against me and to me. The Holy Spirit is always there, though, reminding me that it wasn't my fault, and this has been tremendously healing. My knowledge of the Word has grown tremendously since that time and it is now 15 years that I have been a Christian. In fact, it is these last two years of my Christian walk that I am beginning to be more stable in the Word of God and his knowledge. It's taken a while, but for the grace of God, I will get to where he wants me to be on my spiritual journey.
I now minister to women regarding abuse (especially Christian abuse) whenever I have the opportunity. Because of these trials of abuse I endured, I am finishing up my Psychology degree, and am now in my first year of Law school. I desire to help women both spiritually and legally in the areas of abuse.
Praise God that so many doors have opened up for me, and for the scholarships that have been coming my way. I cannot even remotely express how wondrously God has been working in my life--it is nothing short of a miracle. I still have to give my head a shake every once in a while to make sure I'm actually awake and that all these blessings are actually happening to me. There are days that I think to myself, "This is too good to be true," and I worry when and if our enemy will come to take it all away.
I am learning, though, that in order to be effective, we are to bind the oppressive spirits that try to imprison us through fear. I also have nightmares from time-to-time regarding "flashbacks" and the shame/guilt/fear that I felt through these experiences. I am not the same person that I was before these abusive trials, but I am now a stronger and wiser Christian. Praise God!
Now when I meet with or run into people who are abusive, I get a strong sense of discernment that literally shakes me to my bones. At first, I didn't realize why my spirit would suddenly churn as the sea does during a storm when I met certain people, but later it always surfaced that they were usually abusive in one form or another. It is not a gift that I initially prayed for in the beginning of my Christianity, nor is it a ministry that I had hoped for, but now that I have the gift of discernment, I use it for the glory of God.
That is my story in a nutshell. I had to keep it short as there is just too much to cover in such a short time frame. I am in the process of trying to find a church where I feel safe, but I still seem to suffer "paranoia" from time-to-time whenever I see anything that even hints of control. I have a ways to go before I am 100%--but I keep plugging on. That is why when I saw your ministry website, I was literally elated that such a ministry existed. I am not elated that things such as church abuse exist, but I am elated to know that people are aware when such abuse occurs. It does not bother me if you share my story in your ministry--I give you my permission. I just wanted to tell my story because, every time it is retold, I feel a little bit of God's healing.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story and thank you for taking the time to respond to my email. God bless your ministry and I will be sure to keep you in my prayers.
A sister in Christ,
Mary
Epilogue
I had to keep my story short as it was much more disturbing than what I put. My ex-husband, who spoke in tongues and prayed like an angel in front of other people would turn into a "thing" when we were alone. I don't even know how to describe it--it was so awful. I prayed against this "thing" one time and rebuked this "spirit" and he just started screaming and freaking out. I quit "rebuking" and ran in the bathroom and hid for hours as I was so scared to come out. I eventually came out hours later and he was gone.
I guess he went singing his hallelujah songs in his store (he owned a business). He never mentioned it to me and acted like nothing happened. Most people who were filled with the spirit, though, sensed his spirit the way I did. But I suppose when you are being "controlled", you almost put up with anything even when you have this gnawing in the pit of your stomach.
Another time, Brian was trying to tell me that Jesus couldn't love someone as unlovable as me, and he held up the Bible and pointed to the submission scripture in 1 Peter 3. Once again, there was this look in his eyes that bordered on insane. The Holy Spirit came over me and I started praying and crying in the Spirit at the top of my lungs and he dropped the Bible and ran out of the room. I still don't know what the Spirit was saying and how he was interceding on my behalf, but whatever it was, it sure worked. Brian never quite looked at me the same way after that, but always looked a tad bit scared. His abuse lessened after that for a short duration (until the final episode, that is).
My ex-husband's whole family are "Christian", and they are all in the ministry with theology degrees. There are three brothers in his family and every one of them are abusive, including the father. I would see things in my dreams regarding this family before the things actually happened. I know that God somehow had his eye out for me and was protecting me. I still shiver to this day amazed that I made it out of there alive.
Unfortunately, there are the wives of the two brothers that are still in that very situation to this day, mortified to leave. I pray for them, but nothing has happened yet. The thing the Lord kept showing me about this family (and I don't know why) is a black panther. I literally had a manifestation of a black panther during one of these abusive episodes and I prayed against it. I kept seeing it in my spirit eyes and it had glowing green eyes. It preyed on my mind after that and in my dreams. One time, my friend and I were fasting and I saw the manifestation again, so I rebuked it this time. I actually pointed to where I had spiritually seen it and rebuked it in the name of Jesus. In my spirit I saw it fly out the window. To this day, I still do not know what the black panther symbolizes or why I saw that particular animal. I have not seen it again since I left my husband.
There are very strong demons in this world and they are roaming free in the churches. I hate to say this, but I think that's where they like to hang around (not in bars as much). There is no authority in churches that they just come and go as they please. They are just as much at home in church than they are in a back alley. That scares me so much. What is happening to our churches? There is such a devastating need for a revival--I just can't stress it enough.
Since I've been led in this way of ministry, there have been many men thrown my way that have this same abusive spirit. I asked the Lord one night why I keep meeting men like this (and not only men, let me tell you), and I was impressed with the idea that your ministry begins from the battle you come out of. In other words, there cannot be a victory without a battle. I guess God has plans for me in this arena of abuse, control, and the like.
I did meet a Sargent with the police shortly after I left my husband and the same thing happened all over again where I was abused and deceived. Only this time, I did not marry him. I was so angry at God for not vindicating me from this abusive husband and this abusive church that I momentarily turned my back on Him. Another big mistake. So this Sargent waltzed into my life and it was like history repeating itself. I stayed in this relationship, once again completely in bondage, until a year ago where I asked the Lord to deliver me. It happened almost instantaneously when God took me out of there. One day I was in this relationship, the next I was out.
God does not force us to do things against our will even if He knows it will harm us. He wants us to make up our own minds about Him. I was praying the whole time I was with my fiance for 4 years, but I couldn't live in victory because of this abuse. I know how dangerous control is. You cannot take a flame to your body and expect to not get burnt. That's the scripture that the Lord always shows me. So I've been away from my fiance for over a year now and I've never felt more free in my life. The anger I felt towards the Lord is gone, and he Has replaced it with love. Yes, I still hurt some days when I think of those memories, but they are few and far between and getting better all the time.
The scary thing about all this is when I go to "normal" churches where you wouldn't think to see this kind of control, it's blatantly written all over their walls. I can't even handle a little bit of control, let alone a barrel full. So God has been working on me for these past 15 years and is still in the process of purging and refining me. Praise God. I would love nothing more than to, one of these days, hold meetings and/or services exposing these practices of breaking down a person's spirit to get to what only God should have possession of.
Currently, I talk to women/friends on these issues and would love to devote more time to this area of ministry in the future. It seems I'm always meeting people who have been abused either in their Christian homes or in their Christian churches. Pretty scary considering that there are numerous scriptures warning us about the multitudes expecting to get into Heaven and Jesus turns them away saying that He never knew them. These people look like a duck, talk like a duck, smell like a duck, but, in fact, are not a duck. Only a person tuned in with God's spirit (ie., is discerning) will recognize these wolves in sheep's clothing.
The Church has to get prepared for one of the greatest outpourings that this world has ever seen--we need to be ready as a body of believers. So many Christians are not even there yet. I think the only reason my eyes are a little bit more opened is because of the experiences I've gone through. I would never want anyone else to go through these kinds of trials, but I am glad that I learned something from them. To become separate from God, even if only in our thoughts, will make us branches separate from the vine.
I dreamed one time this "object" was making its way to me all the way from Heaven. I didn't even know what it was. I just knew it was something and it was coming closer and closer, but I couldn't see it. I knew that "it" started its journey ages ago in a far off time and it started at a certain time and needed to get to a certain place at a certain time. I just kept there waiting for it to come. I knew all these things in my spirit (in my dream) about how it started making its way towards me. All of a sudden, "it" appeared. It was a huge water hose that had no limit to its length. It never ended. It suddenly landed over me and water came out in small, little drops and landed right on my tongue. I've never tasted water so refreshing, invigorating, and enlivening in all of my life.
I immediately thought of a word, "plumb line". It mentions it in the Bible somewhere (in the Old Testament, I think). I thought to myself, "What would happen if that hose was dirty. The water would have been dirty, too." I don't know why I suddenly thought that. One thing I did know, was that God was that hose. He knew who I was, when I needed help, what help I needed, and just when I needed it. He sent out his help to me way in advance before I even existed--it began its journey to me. Isn't that wonderful? "Before they call, I will answer. And while they are yet speaking, I will hear." That's the scripture that comes to me. God knows what each and every one of us needs and he has always had it in His mind to work our mistakes into His master plan. Such news is too wonderful for me! Hallelujah!! Our very hairs are numbered. Who could love us this much?
I could just keep going on and on. I just love the Lord so much as He has done so much for me. Even when I was a sinner, he loved me. I desire to show others how much God loves them, too, so I kind of get "worked-up" when I talk about His redeeming love.
