Cast Down, But Not Destroyed

Note: Due to the sensitive subject matter being discussed, the names of the people involved have been changed to protect their identity.

Cast Down, But Not Destroyed

by Marriane Wright

My family joined what seemed to be a good, strong, Bible-believing church 10 years ago. I was best friends with the pastor's daughter, so I spent quite a bit of time with that family. I began to see some problems with the way the pastor, George, dictated the family and the church and made everyone feel stupid and ignorant compared to him, who was 'The Man of God'. Rosanne, his daughter, started telling me about some things that went on at home, and it made me very nervous to be around George. She hinted that there had been some ungodly activities with a woman in the church. At the time I denied it because he was 'The Man of God', and things like that don't happen.

About a year after we joined, the pastor called an emergency meeting and admitted to an adulterous relationship with one of the sisters in the church about three years before. He said the only reason he was telling was because Rosanne was whispering about it and word had gotten out. He threatened to exclude Rosanne, but she showed enough signs of repentance that they decided not to. George stepped down from his position of authority and said that he wanted to be excluded.

Soon after, the church split because some people thought that George shouldn't have had to admit that, and others said that he should have admitted it right after it happened. I believed that they shouldn't have lied to cover it up like they did all those years, but others believed that lying to cover sin is Biblical. To my surprise, my father and the rest of the family sided with those that believed it was okay to lie, even though they don't believe that. When I asked Daddy why we were meeting with the group that supported George, he said he liked the attitudes better. I wanted to leave, and when the group formed into a new church, I didn't want to join. But I was 14, so what could I do? So I joined to keep the peace.

Rosanne married my brother Leonard and quit being my friend (what it ended up being, and my mother agrees with this, is that Rosanne used me to get Leonard, and I was too ignorant to see it). We went for 7 years without a pastor. Two of the men that George appointed just led the services. George bought a restaurant, and my brother bought the one right next door. I worked for Leonard for 3 years, and had to put up with George coming over every day and saying things to me that are, in normal circumstances, unrepeatable. What it boiled down to is this: All girls are for is to make men happy in bed. They're deceived, so you can't ever listen to what they have to say. The Bible was written for men, and the women are supposed to believe what their husbands/fathers tell them to believe, because they're too stupid to figure it out themselves. He told me I had nice legs, and told me other things that I'd prefer not to repeat. He played with my emotions, telling me that I should smile more because no man wants to see a woman sulking; but when I smiled, he said women are supposed to be sober. It was a no-win situation, and what I did was never good enough. I wanted to get a different job, but he told me that I owed my master (boss) my unending devotion as his servant (employee) and that I could not leave. He had scripture to back everything up, too. He took it all out of context, but he constantly quoted 'Thus saith the Lord.' I eventually left, when I finally got permission from my father.

A little over two years ago, I began to suspect that George was going to come back as our pastor. Nothing was happening, but I just began to think that he probably would. He suddenly got up one Sunday and preached a sermon entitled 'If I Were Pastor,' and made all sorts of promises to preach the whole truth and nothing but the truth, said he wouldn't counsel another woman alone (said he learned his lesson), and that he was going to continue to purge sin out of our midst, just like he always did before. He said that the Lord had called him to be this church's pastor, and he had sinned, but now was returning to his rightful position. He had a Men's Meeting and spent a couple of hours preaching about 'When a Bishop Sins,' and excused his adultery, and said that a minister can never lose his ordination.

The leaders (the two who had been preaching and George himself) put together a questionnaire asking the men if they had a problem with him coming back as pastor. They were to consult with their families and take the survey. Seven members (including me and Daddy) out of the 50 or so said they didn't want him back. He said he would not come back if he didn't have 100% support. But, after that, he said that it was the will of God and the will of the church for him to be our pastor again, and if we didn't submit, we would be excluded. They wanted unity, but they were going to create it by getting rid of Those Who Oppose, as I called them. Daddy, because he is a very quiet person, easily manipulated and persuaded by anyone with any controlling ability (like my mother and George), gave in and said, 'Well, even if I don't like it, who am I to go against the will of God?"

Within the next couple of weeks, every one of the seven except me caved in. I was The Problem, and some of the men called Daddy and told him I was being rebellious against God, and that he could make me submit. I knew it was just a matter of time before they bypassed him and came directly to me. So I began studying in preparation, so I could show from scripture why I couldn't have him as my pastor again. When he got up that Sunday and said that God wanted him to lead us again (after 7 years of him being spiritually dead, and us seeing that), I knew the time had come that I had so dreaded, but I was ready with my verses. I was told that he was coming back, and I could either submit to him, or be excluded and 'turned over to Satan for the destruction of my flesh.' We were to sign the Covenant between the members and the pastor stating that we would, before God, submit to everything he taught. After talking extensively with my father about it, he said that I really had no choice but to sign. I couldn't risk splitting the family and possibly the church. Daddy said that if I was wrong in signing it, God would not hold it against me, because I was submitting to an authority. I signed it, and all the men left us alone. Funny that they never came back and told me that I had done right in not leaving.

I thought about just leaving the church, but I didn't know where else to go. Nobody believes like we do doctrinally, and because we are told that we are the only true believers on earth (that we know of), the only ones with truth (that we know of), we weren't in contact with anybody else. We are not to have close friends outside the church unless it was with the intention of converting them. I think they do that just so if someone even thinks about leaving, they won't know where to go.

Anyway, a little over a year ago, George returned as our pastor. He had everybody on an emotional high, which they interpreted as a spiritual high. He changed his position on modesty and went to the other extreme (everything with him is an extreme) by saying that sandals are immodest, and that we must always wear hose, and preferably long sleeves for women. That's neither here nor there, but just shows it's always impossible to know what he'll do next. As soon as everybody gets one rule memorized and perfected, he says that it was wrong and the other extreme is God's will now. And everybody follows him down down every path he takes, like sheep to the slaughter. I think I'm the only one who realized what he was doing. I forgot to say that when I was the only one left of Those Who Oppose, I was told to defend my position from scripture. I did so, typed it all out, and presented it to my father and Leonard and they took it to George and the men in charge. They read over it and told me that I was deceived and was harboring resentment and that what I had said wasn't scriptural. I pointed out that I had those verses and that they were rather obvious, but they refused to even look them up, and just turned away and reported to the other men (who all knew that I was The Problem) that I didn't have scriptural reasoning, and that I would submit.

I loved the people (the ladies, anyway) and it killed me to see them so brainwashed. George's so subtle in his control (although not to anyone who has any sense or knowledge of psychology - but that's another thing. Girls aren't encouraged to get any sort of education past high school, if even that. I think it's because he's afraid that if we take psychology classes we'll figure out that our church is a cult). He does it bit by bit. I was once pulled into it as well, when we first came. He was so different from anyone I had ever known. I had never had a strong authority figure in my life, and I made him my hero, just like everybody else did. I followed his every command to a tee at first, because he was telling me that it was God's will for my life to do as I was told. He said that I couldn't decide anything about God's will or the Truth in any way because I was a girl and girls are always deceived. He said that I was free to ask him any question doctrinally, but when I did, he yelled at me and said who was I to ever question his authority. He was, after all, 'The Man of God', and I was just a little ignorant girl. My brother overheard that one, and came to my rescue, but then he changed. (After all, he's married to the pastor's daughter).

My sister just married one of the pastor's sons, which means he has two talons already buried deep into my family. He loves to manipulate people's minds, and I create quite a challenge for him since I believe the doctrine but not the practice. :o) My parents adore him now. My father, especially, since he so much wants a strong authority. Daddy has trouble making decisions of any kind, so he asks either my mom (who seems to rule the family) or the pastor (who tries to rule the family,) and the pastor greatly encourages him to come to him for advice since he can't make any decisions himself. I really like my father and would love to see him come to this same conclusion, but he's being told that I'm deceived by Satan and that the pastor is 'The Man of God' and seldom wrong.

I once looked at marriage as my salvation. I thought if I could just get married I could distract myself from my nightmare and be somewhat happy. But there was nobody to marry. All the guys at church were younger than me. I would invite guys from school (when I was in high school) but they didn't like the doctrine. I wised up and didn't invite anyone for a few years. Then after I got a job, I met a wonderful Christian guy who I would invite, always in hopes of him joining so we could get married. I wasn't allowed to move out, because then I would be out from under my father's authority. I wasn't allowed to marry outside our group, because then I would be supposedly marrying a pagan. We parted ways when George and Daddy heard that he didn't like our church. He told me we were a cult, and I agreed that we functioned as one, but I didn't think we were one. (I didn't have any clue, really. The term 'cult' to me mean Satan-worshipper, and I knew I wasn't that).

I had two other guys come and visit over the years, and they both, after just one visit said, "Marriane, you've got to get out of here. They're going to kill you mentally, emotionally, and spiritually." But I couldn't leave, because then I would be rebelling against God, and I wasn't about to do that. We don't have visitors that join. Visitors come once and then that's it. We consist of people like my family who have a weak father and can be easily manipulated, or families where the father/husband loves to be in absolute control, which is encouraged by George. Everybody in the Group of Youth (that's what I call it since we weren't allowed to call it a Youth Group) except my siblings were born in this church. They've never known anything different, and don't know it's bad. My parents believe in courtship, although we've never seen it work. George believes in arranged marriages, sort of, but thankfully there was nobody to arrange me with. I explained to my guy friends that I wanted to leave, but I couldn't find it in scripture where a girl ever when against her GODLY (so Abigail isn't an example) authority to do what she thought was God's will. They told me to quit looking for examples and look for principles. They showed me from the NT how in the Lord there is not a difference between male and female, and that He loves them exactly the same. They showed me how, because I am a child of God, I can pray, I can read my Bible, and I can understand everything about God's will that a man can.

They said, "You as a CHILD OF GOD must do what is right. If it is killing you spiritually, you have a duty to go find yourself somewhere healthy to serve God. You have an obligation to obey God rather than man. And when your authorities tell you to do something wrong, you obey God." I protested, "But, I we are taught that we as women are too deceived to know the difference, and if we obey our authority, even when we think it's wrong, God won't hold us accountable, but will actually BLESS us because we submitted 'as unto Him'." But my friends said, "You are an adult. You're 23. Your parents do not stand between you and God. You are accountable for your actions. If you've done things that were against your conscience [and I had - signing covenants with the pastor, etc., which we had to agree to do, to 'keep the unity'], you can't go blaming it on your father. That doesn't hold up in God's eyes."

This was such a big relief to me!

Finally I admitted that they were right. I had to leave, and I finally knew that I could do it with a clear conscience and still be in obedience to God. Being the middle of five kids, I knew I'd have to deal with all of my siblings' accusations, as well as my parents' and best friend's. I talked with many elders outside my church who my parents used to love and respect. They already had problems with that church anyway, and supported my decision to leave.

At the beginning of this past June, I left. I won't say that recovery has been easy. I won't lie to you: it'll be the hardest thing you've ever done. But it will be worth it. Spiritual abuse is abuse of the worst kind, because you're told 'Thus saith the Lord,' when the Lord has not said that. I encourage you to read Ezekiel 34 and Jeremiah 23. See if anything sounds familiar. Pastors who manipulate God's people, and tell them wrong things, all in God's name, will be held accountable for using the Lord's name in vain. It is torture of the worst kind, and it's wrong. It was never what God intended when He said, "Feed my sheep." Read Psalm 23. How different it is than Ezekiel 34!

Families and friends in the group will not understand, most likely, and you will have to take care of yourself when you leave. You are what matters right now. I know that's hard to hear, because you've been told that it's selfish to think of your own safety. But to help anyone else, your family and your friends, you must be whole yourself. Dear friend, life is not over. And I'm preaching at myself too. The nightmares are there. Nights are lonely. Tears won't come even when I need to cry. I'm just numb. There's nobody around who understands. But there are people in other places who understand, and they will be your strength at first. They are my strength. I am yours, you are mine. And God is ours. We pull together and gain strength from the support of people who understand. And it's experience that's a better teacher than any higher education.

Spiritual freedom is an incredible thing. I have not found it completely yet, because my former pastor is still my conscience. But I'm trying to replace his voice in my head with the Word of God, and it's amazing to see the slow but steady change.

I was blessed to be able to go to Wellspring Retreat, a cult recovery center, and be under their care for three weeks. I am very thankful for my time there and the things I learned from them. They explained exactly what happened to me, helped me see that it wasn't my fault, showed me from Scripture where a pastor can't rightfully abuse his authority, and gave me the confidence that I will come through all this all right in the end.

Please know that there are many other people out there who have been through the exact same thing. When I was at Wellspring, I learned about ICOC, Scientology, Mormonism, JW's, and many, many other groups. The doctrine is different, but the practice is the same. They all twist scripture and won't let you leave. They control every move you make. But there is freedom from such tyrants, and you can have it too, my friend. Leaving people you love is not easy, but it must be done. If you care about them, you must first take care of yourself. Once you are healed, and once you understand what was done to you, you can then help the others.

Cults kill you. They kill you mentally, emotionally, morally, and most horribly of all, spiritually. They destroy your ability to hear the still, small voice, because the leader says what you hear isn't God, it's your evil desires. They tell you that you cannot know God's will unless your authority tells you. They force you to obey, and then they say what you've done, even though it's your best job, isn't good enough. They tell you that even though you're happily submitting (eventually you force yourself to be happy), that you are being bitter in your heart against them, and if you deny it, they tell you that you've deceived yourself into thinking you don't have sin. It's always a no-win situation, but God delivers His children from such a hell.

In addition to this website, I encourage you to check out these other helpful resources:

Please do not hesitate to get help! If you're in a cult, contact me or someone who can talk you through it. Carefully think through your motives, and ask plenty of questions. Most of all, know that you are not alone and thousands of ex-cult members are here to support you. I will happily answer anyone's questions; just click here to send me your questions or comments.

Glory to God! I am now Free to serve, Bound to Hope!