Opening The Lockbox
On Breaking the Code of Silence
by Kristen DeVoe
In my case, I was in a Bible-based fundamentalist cult which charged high fees for long classes on the veracity and supremacy of the Word of God. People were subjected to hours and hours of teaching in order to control their minds with Scripture. The methods, not the doctrine, employed to accomplish the goals of world domination by group were very harmful. The leader wielded his control through intensive psychological indoctrination and sexual contact.
I remember one incident vividly in which I questioned "the Doctor," the leader of the group, about the ethicalness of his behavior. He quoted Scripture and explained that I needed to be "spiritually mature" in order to understand. The "Doctor" taught that if one's mind was pure enough, one could do anything with one's body. God did not care about the flesh. The sexual needs of the leaders were to be satisfied by females who were submitting to " the will of God".
He commanded me to keep our sexual encounters in the "lockbox of my soul" - never to be spoken of or revealed to anyone else. "What if someone finds out?" I asked naively. "Why, I'd lie," he said. I was shocked. Adultery was certainly wrong but lying about it was even worse.
I was a chronic truth-seeker. How was the lockbox consistent with the truth? How could behavior that was done in secret be consistent with openness he advocated in his teachings? I am talking about behavior that is harmful to oneself or others. Sex per se is a natural act but when there is a societal taboo or power differential between the parties then sex is wrong. Women, children and men forced by mind control into physical or sexual submission are being abused.
What is mind control? Geri-Ann Galanti, PhD defines mind control as "the use of manipulative techniques that are for the most part extremely effective in influencing the behavior of others." Now, this could apply to recovery programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous and motivational programs such as Weight Watchers. But cults differ in one important way. Cultic leaders employ negative manipulative techniques based on "deception, dependency and dread." (see Recovery From Cults, edited by Michael Langone, PhD., W.W. Norton & Company: 1993, New York.) When one is experiencing abuse, these factors are always at play. And secrecy is a big part of them.
Sexual predators and batterers know the power of silence. They abuse their victims, then swear them to secrecy. This ensures that not only is the abuse hidden from society but it becomes hidden from the victim, as well. The truth of the individual becomes concealed in order for them to survive. It is a function of abuse to shame the abused, first by the humiliation of the act then by the secrecy in which the act is performed.
When the pain of silence becomes greater than the pain of disclosure, freedom becomes possible. But freedom can be a scary proposition, too. Freedom means independence and autonomy which can threaten a childlike dependency on a leader. The tacit agreement between cult leader and follower is "if you remain silent, I will take care of you" or a variation of that - "if you tell, I will reject you and you need me to survive." To the victim, truth-telling jeopardizes their very existence when, in fact, it is the way to wholeness.
So how does one open the lockbox? Where does one find the courage to speak in the face of fear and shame, the double-edged sword of oppression?
First, one must make the choice to heal. Healing is always a choice, not an accident. Often propelled on by suffering, the individual decides whether to passively "accept one's fate" or actively pursue a way to freedom. It is a mystery as to why some people actually choose to heal and others do not. Individuals vary. For some, the choice may be obvious and swift. For others, it may take a long time to come to that essential decision.
Once the decision to heal is made, one must begin the process of opening up by sharing one's true feelings. Just as Pinocchio became a "real boy" when he told the truth, so the magic of genuine self-disclosure allows one to become who he is. But this must be done in a safe place. Safety is essential to building trust. Continual assaults in the past at the heart of one's being make it hard to trust anyone. Safety allows one to make tentative stabs at reality without fear of punishment.
Experience teaches abused people not to trust anyone as a way of survival. But one must make small steps in the direction of trust in order to heal. There are individuals in society who are trustworthy. Shamans and priests were once the hearers and witnesses of truth. In today's society, credentialed psychotherapists, counselors and teachers who are bound by a code of ethics can help one learn to trust again. They bear witness to the individual's truth.
Initially, people may become depressed, if not suicidal when they come out of an abusive cult and take steps towards healing. The realization of their loss - the loss of time, the loss of identity, loss of one's self can be intolerable. But depression keeps us stagnant. It slows us down; it keeps us down, locked in the cycle of oppression.
For many, opening the lockbox is a byproduct of anger. Anger is the vehicle that drives the truth into the open. The victim must not only feeling her feelings; she must see the cult leader for what he was - an abusive sociopath; not a loving presence. It is not enough that the abuse caused suffering. Suffering accompanied by resolve becomes the catalyst for change. One needs the spark of indignation that recognizes the unfairness and imbalance of power in one's situation. Then one begins to puncture the membrane of silence that leaves one isolated from the world.
The code of silence is penetrated through one's initial decision to heal and one's courage to begin to tell the truth about oneself in a safe place. This, accompanied by education about physical, sexual, psychological and spiritual abuse allows the individual to start on the journey towards wholeness. True expression of one's feelings, especially anger, makes healing possible. As one grows stronger, one may even expand the stage of disclosure to include the world at large.
So then, truth begets truth. Light begets light. But it is not enough to know the truth. Survivors of abuse are accustomed to disconnecting psychologically and emotionally from a painful reality. This dissociation is a major survival tool. In order to heal, it becomes necessary to connect with oneself, not dissociate from the trauma. In mind control situations, this again becomes doubly difficult because the conscience, overtaken by the cult leader, becomes an inner abuser and oppressor. This inner taskmaster demands silence and compliance. One risks not only separation from society but annihilation of a part of the self.
Like a giant parasite, the abuser needs the abused in order to survive. But what happens when the abused needs the abuser? When the abused internalizes the voice of the abuser and continues to be oppressed, long after the abuser is gone? Even when the objective reality is changed, the abused can sometimes experience a great deal of terror. This is the terror of being free, the terror of breaking the code of silence and the perceived dire consequences which will ensue (i.e. insanity, illness, death). But the true consequences of speaking up are freedom and joy, the very things which the oppressor does not want for the oppressed. That is how he keeps them down. One learns to be helpless in the face of abuse. In order for learned helplessness to be overcome, again, one must allow oneself to feel one's genuine feelings and speak out about them.
Trauma experts have long advocated the necessity of "bearing witness" to one's abuse. Why? Because truth is acknowledged and affirmed in the context of community. Personal truth becomes understood when it is spoken. Lies keep one isolated and separate. Speaking the truth of one's own reality allows one to belong to the world. One is no longer alone. But it doesn't stop there. One must question destructive assumptions and become educated about individual rights.
The truth of human experience proclaims the imperative to live and be free, not to be in bondage. Just as a flower is meant to bloom, so people are put here to blossom forth in their true nature. One must believe one has the RIGHT to live in order to own one's experience. When one realizes the truth of being alive (or its opposite - the mandate NOT to live independent of the leader), one is able to breaks the bonds of mind control. Negative assumptions become questioned through critical thinking and education. Once the right to exist is fully comprehended, then the right to bear witness to one's life and experience becomes possible. Negative distortions of reality are replaced with positive assumptions resulting in one's understanding of the right to be happy and free.
For many years after leaving the cult, I was suicidal. Years of abuse and oppression had made me believe that I deserved to be punished for leaving the group. I was brainwashed into thinking that living without my leader would destroy me. Earlier trauma and abuse reinforced the idea that I was no good and deserved to die. But now I realize that that is not true. Through counseling and education, I have learned that I deserve to live. I have a right to speak my truth.
Now that the lockbox has been opened, I do not take anything for granted. Like the skier healing from a broken leg, I am learning to use my muscles again, learning to walk psychologically. I am learning what it feels like to live and be free. I am learning to tolerate good things. I am learning to accept the sound of my own voice. Knowing now that I HAVE a voice, I am learning to use it. Perhaps one day, I will even learn to sing.
Note: The original story can be found at Kristen's blog, Cults and Trauma.
